First Step Forward

I’ve decided to start this blog as more of a personal journey and journal for myself. I’ve always been a writer. It’s been a coping mechanism I’ve used since I was young and dumb about the world. Having this outlet has allowed me to be with my thoughts and learn how to deal; how to put things in perspective and move forward.

Over the last year I haven’t had the same success though. I have been in a dark place despite some of the most important events of my life happening. With the joy also came pain. The light with darkness. While I have been able to carry on from one day to the next, the negative still took its toll.

My father passed away in January 2019. Needless to say he was the most influential person on my life. He understood me most in this world. Despite the love and friendship that is all around me, there is a hole in my life now that I know will never be filled again. I look towards my wife and see the things that she does on a daily basis to help fill this gap, to help me cope. Yet, over the course of the last year I have felt so incomplete that it all has seemed more like a dream than a reality.

The lesson I have learned most is that no matter what in life, things will change. Now, we as humans can resist change and fail. I’ve tried this throughout most of this year. I desired so much to hold on to what was that it has done exactly that, left me in the past. I have been unable to adapt to my ever changing life with new roles, responsibilities and obstacles. The shell of who I truly can be is what everyone has seen day in and day out as I trudge through life, holding on to the nostalgia of the life that used to be. A happier day when I was younger, in shape, successful and life fit together.

In that moment though, I still longed for the things I didn’t have. A real career, a stable relationship with a woman I loved and more financial stability. All things I envied and dream’t of. Now I’m reminiscent of the days living at home, barely a dollar to my name, but having the things that are now gone from my possession.

Life gets in the way sometimes and we often get lost in the shuffle of doing what we need to do to achieve goals in facets of life whilst forgetting others. I’ve lost myself a little bit. I’ve lost my creativity at times and passion for writing, music and building my body and mind into the best state possible. I’ve allowed myself to become stagnant, lazy and hyper focused more prioritized activities and goals. Though through this I also continued in learning aspects of a important life value: when the days seem the darkest, you must continue to put one foot in front of the other in the direction of walking out of the darkness and into the light again. I feel I am still on my way to finding this light, but the darkness is no longer as thick as it once seemed.

My goal with this journal, blog, publicized notebook or whatever anyone can label it; is to push myself through a new part of my journey to a mix of who I am now, who I once was, and who I will be on the other side. It will serve as a reminder for me to write, read, listen, speak from the heart, work, soak in the pain, work even more, push myself to limits never conceived as possible in my brain, and then reflect on who I am after putting myself through it all. I will share my progress of faith, fitness, wellness, hobby, and daily life. I will speak openly and honestly about how I feel and what I am experiencing. To whoever may find this, I hope my truths, successes and failures will resonate with you and teach you something. This, in the same, is what I hope this will be the result of this blog/journal for myself. Mostly, I hope this journey that I will set out on today, will serve as a reminder for myself and for anyone who stumbles upon this, that no matter what it is important to just take life one step at a time. This is my first step forward who I WILL become.

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